So much more than I deserve

I feel like writing a bit this evening, so here goes.

My life, as frustrating as it seems to me, is blessed. I realized this while out to lunch with my coworkers, compliments of my incredible boss. First of all, I don't think I could be employed by a better person. Second, they all grew up catholic... but have recently come face to face with the reality of who God is, thank the Lord! My boss looked at me as the conversation ended and said, "You've got a pretty good life, Bec." I do, I really do. Being more thankful is on my to-do list this year.

So how am I blessed? The list could go on for an eternity. It will, too! I'll be blessed til I die and beyond... how exciting! Let's see... here on this earth, I have an entire family who desires Jesus Christ and has accepted the gift of His sacrifice and salvation. I have a "family-family," as I call them, who have been the truest friends and the most loving people ever. I've recently found myself a guy who, quite honestly, is more than I ever thought I'd deserve to have. I had asked the Lord to bring someone to me who cares about Him more than me... and here he is. As I mentioned above, I have a great job as a CA (chiropractic assistant). I get to guide the youth of our church in their discovery and love of Christ... frustrating, but worth it. I have the ability to dance. Without it, I think I'd explode. I can't explain how incredible it is to be able to get everything out of me without saying a word. I love that dance is a release! God created a good thing there.

I won't bore you with more of my life, but as you can see, I am indeed blessed. I can't get over it. I noticed a few days ago that I've been complaining a lot; just little things, but complaints all the same. How can I complain about life when there is that much goodness given to me by my Savior? So. I've decided to be thankful and joyful and quit my belly-achin'. Hold me to it, guys. Hold me to it.

I don't know what to call this.

You're so small.

And some steps have been skipped in order to simplify you.

Changes.

They usually take minutes or hours to manifest themselves.

With you, though, they've been overdue a long, long time.

I'd like to tell you a story.

One of a rock that sat outside for endless days.

Well... it lived.

Never changed.

Lived.

But never made an effort.

And then.

It died because the water it sat in wore it down to nothing.

That's my story.

Dissect it as you wish.

It could mean nothing.

But it could be something.

Or everything.

I'm convinced it's one of the above.

Do I need glasses or something?

There are times when I get hit with reality. Really hard. After the beating, I'll usually say, "Wow, I've been blind." I said that today to a young girl in our youth group. I received another beating with her reply. Golly, it's amazing I don't have bruises. She said, "No, you're not, you're just not seeing correctly..." The statement was so simple, so easy... so true. A thirteen-year-old is therefore smarter than I for the day.

There are other times when I feel like I've made a difference, particularly in the lives of the kids I lead in youth group. I know I can't control the choices people make, but these kids aren't making God real in their lives. Most of them aren't chasing after Him... and it hurts. I've made it personal because I want to see these children of God grow and become amazing and ruthless vessels for Christ, but they aren't taking the things we talk about seriously. God is in a different book, maybe the one right next to them on the shelf... but their plots don't line up. It's like sticking Pride and Prejudice next to Frankenstein and expecting them to mesh.

I wish things didn't seem so hopeless tonight. I do have hope, though. I hope in Jesus. I know He has the power to save and flip people's lives upside down and inside out. I've experienced it. So. It all comes down to trust... do I trust Him to infiltrate the lives of the kids I've come to care so deeply for? Do I trust Him enough to take over me so that I'm just an overflow of Him and His truth?

Do I trust Him enough in my life? That's the question of 2010.

I just spent too much

Considering the fact that I just purchased all my textbooks for this upcoming semester, bought a car that I am in the process of paying off, and lost all my convenient cash from my ex-waitressing job... I abhor our green paper. Honestly, I would much prefer borrowing books, sprouting wings to travel about, and forgetting work altogether. Who needs money anyway? Unfortunately, it defines our lives. You really can't argue with the statement; everything we do and live for is surrounded by the burden of small pieces of paper with some random historical pictures on them.

Think about it: You come into this world and get money and gifts for each birthday. Holidays are surrounded by gift-buying and food purchases. You start to get older and a job becomes necessary to save up money for a car. You begin to purchase things for yourself and spend money on gas. Now you're saving up to go to a good college or university. Once you're there, you'll have loans to pay off for the next ten years of your life. While in college, you're preparing yourself for a job in the real world where you'll need to make more money in order to support yourself and possibly a family someday. Let's say you get married... weddings are expensive. Now you've moved out on your own with the love of your life to struggle in the world of things gone wrong. Bills, car payments, repairs, babies... it all costs money. You probably won't see your spouse for a few years; after all, making money is more important and sadly very necessary. Your kids grow up... you pay for their education and birthday gifts and cars and college and well... life goes on. But it's run by money, and I just can't seem to understand how life turned into such a superficial thing.

Let's talk

There are words that I haven't said.

Words I couldn't say. Words I've thought were too much for the moment.

The time has come to share.

And I'm scared. And I'm wary. And I'm happy.