To fiercely love with a heavy heart

I'm sad today

I'm sad that He is pure and perfect

And I'm not

For Him

I long to be pure for Him

But I'm already stained

He does wash the sin away

But I am still

Oh, so filthy

I'm afraid

Afraid to look on His face one day

I long for it and fear it at the same time

It will be hard to look into His eyes

And feel worthy

I'm feeling sad today

Sad that I've disappointed others after Him

Almost like a painted face

I've created a mask of good intention

And loveliness

I'm not lovely

I'm just as dirty as a murderer

Or a sex offender

Well, that puts it in perspective

But He came into this world

To seek and save the lost

Veiled in flesh

He grew up to take my place

To make me like snow

I love Him

Fiercely, and it hurts

It hurts because I can't ever love Him

As He loves me

Perfectly, in purity

Stay awake, don't nod and dream.

Uh, well, my eyes are tired. I've got chapped hands, a few paper cuts, and a swelled brain from the ridiculous amount of information shoved in it over the past four days. I'm ready for a nap. A nice, cozy nap.

Sometimes I wonder what God thinks of sleep. Obviously it's necessary for our survival, but we sleep so much. And it feels so good to sleep. Why?

Half of our lives are spent in dreamland. Seems like so much time wasted... not like we're self-sacrificing to begin with, but you'd think we could be doing an insane amount of good in those hours.

Upon closing

It's just that...

Well, it's just that I've seen Him work.

I'm confident that He won't fail.

Good thing He's confident too.

Thank you for your encouraging words, dear friend.

I know He will come through.

He has something so much greater in store...

I can't see it, but He's stirring up something delicious.

And almost perfect.

So now I must trust.

Good thing I've been praying for that.

Good thing.

An update

I realized that I haven't taken the time to write about life lately. It's all been poetry and nonsense, really (which, by the way, I would still like your thoughts on).

Lately life has been... exciting! The love of Christ is so abundant, it's ridiculous! I have had the pure pleasure of experiencing Him in a million new ways. I'd like to encourage you to make the decision to see God in everything; it will open your eyes to the beauty and glory of the Lord.

ESU has been good for me. I'm definitely not doing as well in school as I would like, but by the grace of God, I'm passing. I find myself praying before each test for an "increase in memory," because clearly I can't even begin to take the test on my own. Three more semesters to go! And then comes the thought of grad school... yes? no? I'd like to think I'll have the option of starting a family by then. Hmm, we'll see.

My old Subaru (Westley, as I like to call him) has deceased. I will miss him dearly, I think. Although he was getting a bit too vocal for my liking. Cars should stay quiet...

Youth group. What a whirlwind. Christen and I had started up our church's youth group again in the beginning of the summer. We had so many kids without connection to each other or to God, so what else were we supposed to do?! I love it though! Those kids, whatever kind of crazy mood they're in, are so special and capable of awesome things. It's scary to think that I have some kind of influence in their lives; that the things I say could alter their opinion of the Lord and of life. God help me, I want to be a light to those kids.

To end this informative post, please read the following... and then read it again and again so you've got it memorized. Repeat it to yourself daily. It's what I live by.

"Be joyful always. Pray continually. Give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus." 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18

No coats in spring

At the beginning of winter, I love the cold. I guess it's really just that I love to bundle up. I enjoy feeling the cold on my face while I'm so cozy beneath the layers.

Well, I love to be bundled up in myself... I'm not a very open person. I'm okay to feel the abrasive nature of others, and I'll passively deal with it until I'm blue in the face. But I very much dislike throwing my life out in the open for everyone to see. So I'll stay bundled up because it's comfortable; and like a coat is on an icy day, sometimes my shelter is necessary.

Now, though, I'm aspiring to be one-hundred-percent honest. As far as that goes, I can take off my coat. It's springtime for so many reasons.

Light will definitely do that

Reduced, lowered to isolation almost.

It's so real, hardly tangible,

And boy, that frustrates me.

Someone is holding me,

Keeping me from grabbing it.

Please, please let me latch on!

Forever.

See, it's necessary...

Like the breath that needs to pass through my body.

I'm drowning in my own darkness.

If this is self-induced,

Then I guess I'm not alone in it.

There is one more;

Yes, actually, there is.

The one holding me back isn't tangible either,

But he's so real.

Again, hardly tangible.

He's got smothering breath though.

You know the smile?

The one that peeks through your lips

When you open the blinds in the morning

And you're greeted by a sunny day?

It amazes me.

Yes, I'm amazed by the power of light.

Light will definitely do that.

The tight grip he has on my ankle...

Well, thankfully the light has power.

I smile when the light bursts through.

He looks up and shivers.

Sometimes I wonder why.

It's so warm!

I can now slowly crawl toward the very real.

I love the sun.

They Went Through Separate Windows

He stood

She remained

He'd return if she'd stand

But she won't

A tweet, a whistle, a flutter

Heard outside

Brown feathers

And a nest of odds and ends

She's still sitting, sir

Perhaps you should join the birds

They're outside

And she's in

It's raining

But they're still rustling about

It's raining

And you're still fixed in that spot

He moved for a kiss

She moved to miss

He moved to the door

She moved to the floor

Before departure

He stepped across

And slowly, very slowly

Shut and latched her window