Record-breaking snow fall

It happened first

A chilly source

Of a smile

Yesterday

The thought was

To sit awhile

Reading a book

So I did

I woke up

A chilly nose

The book strewn

Ah, my favorite

Autumn in October

Lifting my face to soak in the sunshine

And breathe the scent

Things around us change so quickly

And so often

Without opposition

And I wonder...

Why is it in our nature to resist change?

Clearly God intended for the things on His earth

To change

I hear the sound of a mighty breeze

It refreshes

Terrifies some

Is what terrifies us perhaps for our benefit?

I think of the cross and all its redemptive power

Question answered

Crowds of those who get to enjoy

The clouds, the rain, the stars, the sea...

I sat for a bit to eat an apple

In the sunny afternoon

There's no sweeter thing

Than falling, crunchy leaves

The sounds

And smells

And warmth

Of life

A life in the hands of jealousy

I heard the injury, but did nothing about it.

I miss, but I don't want at all.

So long, free will, I'll see you in a while.

I'd like to, but should I call?

Let's see if my fingers push the buttons.

There's no reason for the muddling.

Or wishing.

I'm just sick of being out of it.

Now, after a long pause,

I miss the keys on the piano.

I'm ever wishing for the chance

To right it all.

My persistent requests get the button of rejection.

That's expected, though.

Scrounging for excuses,

Just to hear again.

There is no reason for this,

So I think I'd like to stop.

But then I hear and sit and listen,

And I fall all over again.

It happened over the course of time.

The ever-so-twisted un-fun stories.

I've quite recently come to the conclusion that I really do not like weird, twisted plots... in movies or books or whatever else people like Tim Burton come up with. I've in the past professed to enjoy twisted things like that, but I only noticed tonight how truly strange they make me feel. Why would I put myself through such an uncomfy feeling just for some entertainment?

Sorry, world... but I didn't like Coraline. If you're going to throw any veggies, throw tomatoes. They're soft and taste the best.

Twenty-one.

So. I've been an adult for approximately three days. At this point, I'm fairly certain that said age does not apply to my state of mind. At all. My parents were getting married at the age of twenty-one. There aren't even twenty-one boys in my life right now. I'm terrified that the common factor is finally peeking around the corner: moi.

I cannot blame anyone but myself for my current situation in life, right? Consequently, I blame myself. No shocker there. But you know, it's really not heroic to stand back, evaluate your life, and come to the conclusion that you suck. However true, such thoughts aren't very beneficial to one's health in any way. Nonetheless, that's the state I've been in for a while. I keep wondering what the heck is wrong with me.

Then. The Love of my life reminds me that, well... I don't suck. I'm still not worthy, but every once in a while it's comforting to remember that there is no one else for me but Jesus Himself. I wish I could see past the big picture... I wish I were able to pick out the little bitty things that should daily make me fall more in love with Him. I wish.

I thought that the glorious age of twenty-one would instantly make me more mature. Sadly, I'm mentally, emotionally, and physically the same person I was three days ago. Selfish and searching and lost without Him.

An eerie word

I wrote this back in May. Tell me what you think.

~~~~~~~~~

Compromise. It’s an eerie word, that’s for sure, and has been visiting quite a bit. I wonder if perhaps I should peek into my heart to find some stashed in there somewhere. Hmm, one mess on the floor seems to be a tiny little word that packs a blow: entertainment. Books, movies, tv, music, you name it… each takes a pick at my innocence and decency every time I tell myself it’s ok. This flesh that I fight pushes me over the edge sometimes, but as of late, when such a thing occurs, I feel awful; literally exhausted, mentally and physically, and even sometimes physically sick. That’s a “knock-knock, the Lord’s here,” in case you were wondering. One more thing to add to the ever-growing list is my thoughts. I tell myself they’re ok too, and the fight ensues.

So where to go from here? Some might suggest the crazy house to learn a thing or two about being a real human being. Who really thinks about the decisions they’re making anyway? Hello, Mr. Problem. I do believe we’ve been looking for you. Everyone knows Mr. Problem, but his pseudonym is much more recognizable: Selfishness. I can just feel the world cringing at the sound of those letters together, and yet, the world is wrapped up inside of it like beans in a burrito… or more comfortably, like a chilly body in a warm blanket. No one in their right mind wants the blanket torn off… it feels so good. Yes, well, were I the only homo sapien in existence, it might actually make sense.

This is changing up real fast for me. Know why? Someone is jealous for me. Mmm, those words are sweet to my ears and ever so gentle on my heart.

Because of acne

I took a trip to the dermatologist last week. I have fairly serious acne and have frankly been living with it for far too long. I heard about a wonder drug called Acutane that has an insanely high percentage of clearing up acne FOREVER. I'll take some, thank you.

One problem: the government says I need to be on birth control. The medication is so strong that if you get pregnant while you're on it, your baby is guaranteed to have some kind of birth defect. Needless to say, I can see why it's necessary... for sexually active people.

My dermatologist is a physician's assistant, so once I told him that I would like to start Acutane, he had to bring in a legit doctor to back him up. This guy came in and warned me about all the same stuff. He specifically stressed the importance of birth control because, in his words, "Everyone has sex!"

No, everyone does not have sex. I wish I would have stood up for myself in that room, but who would honestly believe that a twenty-year-old girl is not sexually active? That's no excuse, though, and ever since then I've felt extremely guilty about it.

Now, if I needed birth control for a serious medical reason... I'd have nothing wrong with it. But I do not need it. I'm not even close to making babies... I'd kind of need a man around to do that anyway. Why are our standards so low these days? And why on earth can't people control themselves?! It makes me so sad to see the brokenness that ensues when relationships end badly. Sorry to say it, ladies, but most of the time it's because you gave yourself away hoping that it would bring you the fulfillment and "true love" you've been dreaming of.

I have friends who have been there and gone through things like this, and let me tell you, they're all struggling... most of them left alone and so broken. Is there any way that I can make you understand the passionate, unfailing, sweet, and tender love that the Lover of your soul has for you? He loves you more than just a father loves his daughter... He loves you like a groom loves his new bride. He longs for you... just as you long for a man to take away all the loneliness you feel.

THAT is why I don't have sex... because I love my Jesus enough. I can wait until He brings my husband along and until then be fully satisfied in Him and all that He is for me. 

I've recently found out, though, that if I can sign a document saying that I will remain abstinent while on the medication for religious or personal reasons, I don't have to take birth control. I'll fight that to the death... and maybe spread a little Light in the process.