The ever-so-twisted un-fun stories.

I've quite recently come to the conclusion that I really do not like weird, twisted plots... in movies or books or whatever else people like Tim Burton come up with. I've in the past professed to enjoy twisted things like that, but I only noticed tonight how truly strange they make me feel. Why would I put myself through such an uncomfy feeling just for some entertainment?

Sorry, world... but I didn't like Coraline. If you're going to throw any veggies, throw tomatoes. They're soft and taste the best.

Twenty-one.

So. I've been an adult for approximately three days. At this point, I'm fairly certain that said age does not apply to my state of mind. At all. My parents were getting married at the age of twenty-one. There aren't even twenty-one boys in my life right now. I'm terrified that the common factor is finally peeking around the corner: moi.

I cannot blame anyone but myself for my current situation in life, right? Consequently, I blame myself. No shocker there. But you know, it's really not heroic to stand back, evaluate your life, and come to the conclusion that you suck. However true, such thoughts aren't very beneficial to one's health in any way. Nonetheless, that's the state I've been in for a while. I keep wondering what the heck is wrong with me.

Then. The Love of my life reminds me that, well... I don't suck. I'm still not worthy, but every once in a while it's comforting to remember that there is no one else for me but Jesus Himself. I wish I could see past the big picture... I wish I were able to pick out the little bitty things that should daily make me fall more in love with Him. I wish.

I thought that the glorious age of twenty-one would instantly make me more mature. Sadly, I'm mentally, emotionally, and physically the same person I was three days ago. Selfish and searching and lost without Him.

An eerie word

I wrote this back in May. Tell me what you think.

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Compromise. It’s an eerie word, that’s for sure, and has been visiting quite a bit. I wonder if perhaps I should peek into my heart to find some stashed in there somewhere. Hmm, one mess on the floor seems to be a tiny little word that packs a blow: entertainment. Books, movies, tv, music, you name it… each takes a pick at my innocence and decency every time I tell myself it’s ok. This flesh that I fight pushes me over the edge sometimes, but as of late, when such a thing occurs, I feel awful; literally exhausted, mentally and physically, and even sometimes physically sick. That’s a “knock-knock, the Lord’s here,” in case you were wondering. One more thing to add to the ever-growing list is my thoughts. I tell myself they’re ok too, and the fight ensues.

So where to go from here? Some might suggest the crazy house to learn a thing or two about being a real human being. Who really thinks about the decisions they’re making anyway? Hello, Mr. Problem. I do believe we’ve been looking for you. Everyone knows Mr. Problem, but his pseudonym is much more recognizable: Selfishness. I can just feel the world cringing at the sound of those letters together, and yet, the world is wrapped up inside of it like beans in a burrito… or more comfortably, like a chilly body in a warm blanket. No one in their right mind wants the blanket torn off… it feels so good. Yes, well, were I the only homo sapien in existence, it might actually make sense.

This is changing up real fast for me. Know why? Someone is jealous for me. Mmm, those words are sweet to my ears and ever so gentle on my heart.

Because of acne

I took a trip to the dermatologist last week. I have fairly serious acne and have frankly been living with it for far too long. I heard about a wonder drug called Acutane that has an insanely high percentage of clearing up acne FOREVER. I'll take some, thank you.

One problem: the government says I need to be on birth control. The medication is so strong that if you get pregnant while you're on it, your baby is guaranteed to have some kind of birth defect. Needless to say, I can see why it's necessary... for sexually active people.

My dermatologist is a physician's assistant, so once I told him that I would like to start Acutane, he had to bring in a legit doctor to back him up. This guy came in and warned me about all the same stuff. He specifically stressed the importance of birth control because, in his words, "Everyone has sex!"

No, everyone does not have sex. I wish I would have stood up for myself in that room, but who would honestly believe that a twenty-year-old girl is not sexually active? That's no excuse, though, and ever since then I've felt extremely guilty about it.

Now, if I needed birth control for a serious medical reason... I'd have nothing wrong with it. But I do not need it. I'm not even close to making babies... I'd kind of need a man around to do that anyway. Why are our standards so low these days? And why on earth can't people control themselves?! It makes me so sad to see the brokenness that ensues when relationships end badly. Sorry to say it, ladies, but most of the time it's because you gave yourself away hoping that it would bring you the fulfillment and "true love" you've been dreaming of.

I have friends who have been there and gone through things like this, and let me tell you, they're all struggling... most of them left alone and so broken. Is there any way that I can make you understand the passionate, unfailing, sweet, and tender love that the Lover of your soul has for you? He loves you more than just a father loves his daughter... He loves you like a groom loves his new bride. He longs for you... just as you long for a man to take away all the loneliness you feel.

THAT is why I don't have sex... because I love my Jesus enough. I can wait until He brings my husband along and until then be fully satisfied in Him and all that He is for me. 

I've recently found out, though, that if I can sign a document saying that I will remain abstinent while on the medication for religious or personal reasons, I don't have to take birth control. I'll fight that to the death... and maybe spread a little Light in the process.

All sorts of goodbyes

I've been walking around the Slippery Rock campus for the past few days, soaking it all in. God used this place to get me through so many things; to bring me to new things; and best of all, to reveal Himself to me in such a deep and passionate way. These tan walls have witnessed tears of joy and pain, and the outside air has swept over me to renew my spirit. This whole nostalgia business seems really cheesy to me, and yet I will forever be thankful for the opportunity to be here. I have met some beautiful people, and shared some wonderful memories. I've been able to dance my heart out for my King, and I finally know what it means to worship Him.

I have a few regrets, but I wouldn't trade this experience for the world. I can't question the Lord's call on my life, but I've recently been wondering why He is chosing to take me away now. My heart is torn, pulled by both the desire to be home and the desire to stay. I know without a doubt, though, that the plans I had are not what He has in store for me. I have no idea why yet, but that's the fun part. 

Picture it: the man you love, leading you through the woods with his hands over your eyes. "Where are we going?" "You'll see... just be patient." The thrill of not knowing where you are being taken is almost too much to bear, but you cling on to him and trust him because you know how much he loves you. The only thing that matters is that he is the one leading you, protecting you, holding you.

Psalm 37:4 - "Delight yourself in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart."

Much to say

My life is slowly changing

Taking new shape

Breathing new air

My eyes are just a little more focused

Opened to see

Loving the view

My heart is somewhat bigger

Swelling to fit

Praising to love

My feet have stopped and turned about

Searching the path

Waiting for words

My face is lifted in glorious peace

Arms stretched out

All to you

SO much has been changing in my life these past few months. The only thing I can blame is the incredible goodness of the Lord Almighty. He is my strength and my life, and I will stretch out my arms to Him forever and ever. My major is changing, my school is changing... my plans are not my own anymore, and that's perfectly fine with me. My Love knows exactly what's best, so I'm clinging onto Him as He soars oh so gracefully.

My Palm Sunday was a little different this year, and I'd like to share some tidbits. The story of the triumphial entry was read, as usual, and I prepared myself for the typical celebration of the salvation that was soon to come after Jesus spent some time on the donkey. However, Pastor Bob had some new ideas... some sad ideas... he talked about weeping.

Why, on such a glorious occasion, would my pastor want to focus on weeping? I had never paid any significant amount of attention to the statement in Luke 19:41 before: "As he approached Jerusalem and saw the city, he wept over it..." Through Bob's half-hour of teaching, I have become ever so aware of the desperation surrounding me. Everywhere I look, people are longing for something... and sadly, they are looking in every direction for fulfillment but the right one. Jesus wept for the city... for the people... for their hearts. Ultimately, He knew what would happen in the end; how many lost souls would reject His sacrifice. 

Weeping. Well, physical or not, I am crying. Every inch of my body longs for the time when the friends I so dearly love will find what they are seeking: rest and forgiveness from all the clutter in their hearts. Weeping is prayer; when I cry, I share my heart with my Daddy. For healing, for salvation, for comfort, for peace... they need Him. And I cry. "Oh, that my heart would break for what breaks Yours!"

Him

Something I wrote quite a while ago. Ah well, it's relevant.

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I know without a doubt that if God put a man in front of my face and said “Love him,” I would love him fiercely for the rest of my life. I’d love him better than anyone else in the world ever could. The secret to successful love is in treasuring the person God gave you. I could love a man with all my being and never be enough. I could pour out my heart and give him the most self-sacrificing adoration any human being could ever possess. I just need to find him… I need to be able to look into his eyes and know I am his. Forever. I need to feel that confidence that my man will treasure me and romance me every day. I want the kind of lover that I can bare my soul to, cry with, laugh with, and be absolutely ridiculous with… every single day that I still have breath. That is the true desire of my heart, above anything else. I keep telling myself that I want a job and to be happy with my life no matter what; that unless I hear in an audible voice, “Marry this man!” I will not ever get married. I tell myself I’m ok with that. But I know it’s not true. I long, above everything else in this world, to love a man so deeply that it hurts. And to be loved so passionately in return that I can’t imagine a life without him in it. Who is it? Why can’t God just tell me who he is now and get it over with? I want this man. I need this man… to complete me, to love me, to be loved by me. I need to love. I need to be able to give my all to someone. I want the kind of love where, no matter the circumstances, we trust each other enough to know without the slightest doubt that we will come running back to each other at the end of the day, just as much or more in love than before. I want my heart to burst with happiness. I want to feel like I would die for someone… for him. I want to be someone’s life… his entire world. I want a love so passionate that I can feel it all over my body and soul. When I find him, I’ll know. Until then, I’m left praying for him to get here quickly. I love him already. I pray for him, I cry for him, I long for him. Lord, he needs to get here soon.