All sorts of goodbyes

I've been walking around the Slippery Rock campus for the past few days, soaking it all in. God used this place to get me through so many things; to bring me to new things; and best of all, to reveal Himself to me in such a deep and passionate way. These tan walls have witnessed tears of joy and pain, and the outside air has swept over me to renew my spirit. This whole nostalgia business seems really cheesy to me, and yet I will forever be thankful for the opportunity to be here. I have met some beautiful people, and shared some wonderful memories. I've been able to dance my heart out for my King, and I finally know what it means to worship Him.

I have a few regrets, but I wouldn't trade this experience for the world. I can't question the Lord's call on my life, but I've recently been wondering why He is chosing to take me away now. My heart is torn, pulled by both the desire to be home and the desire to stay. I know without a doubt, though, that the plans I had are not what He has in store for me. I have no idea why yet, but that's the fun part. 

Picture it: the man you love, leading you through the woods with his hands over your eyes. "Where are we going?" "You'll see... just be patient." The thrill of not knowing where you are being taken is almost too much to bear, but you cling on to him and trust him because you know how much he loves you. The only thing that matters is that he is the one leading you, protecting you, holding you.

Psalm 37:4 - "Delight yourself in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart."

Much to say

My life is slowly changing

Taking new shape

Breathing new air

My eyes are just a little more focused

Opened to see

Loving the view

My heart is somewhat bigger

Swelling to fit

Praising to love

My feet have stopped and turned about

Searching the path

Waiting for words

My face is lifted in glorious peace

Arms stretched out

All to you

SO much has been changing in my life these past few months. The only thing I can blame is the incredible goodness of the Lord Almighty. He is my strength and my life, and I will stretch out my arms to Him forever and ever. My major is changing, my school is changing... my plans are not my own anymore, and that's perfectly fine with me. My Love knows exactly what's best, so I'm clinging onto Him as He soars oh so gracefully.

My Palm Sunday was a little different this year, and I'd like to share some tidbits. The story of the triumphial entry was read, as usual, and I prepared myself for the typical celebration of the salvation that was soon to come after Jesus spent some time on the donkey. However, Pastor Bob had some new ideas... some sad ideas... he talked about weeping.

Why, on such a glorious occasion, would my pastor want to focus on weeping? I had never paid any significant amount of attention to the statement in Luke 19:41 before: "As he approached Jerusalem and saw the city, he wept over it..." Through Bob's half-hour of teaching, I have become ever so aware of the desperation surrounding me. Everywhere I look, people are longing for something... and sadly, they are looking in every direction for fulfillment but the right one. Jesus wept for the city... for the people... for their hearts. Ultimately, He knew what would happen in the end; how many lost souls would reject His sacrifice. 

Weeping. Well, physical or not, I am crying. Every inch of my body longs for the time when the friends I so dearly love will find what they are seeking: rest and forgiveness from all the clutter in their hearts. Weeping is prayer; when I cry, I share my heart with my Daddy. For healing, for salvation, for comfort, for peace... they need Him. And I cry. "Oh, that my heart would break for what breaks Yours!"

Him

Something I wrote quite a while ago. Ah well, it's relevant.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I know without a doubt that if God put a man in front of my face and said “Love him,” I would love him fiercely for the rest of my life. I’d love him better than anyone else in the world ever could. The secret to successful love is in treasuring the person God gave you. I could love a man with all my being and never be enough. I could pour out my heart and give him the most self-sacrificing adoration any human being could ever possess. I just need to find him… I need to be able to look into his eyes and know I am his. Forever. I need to feel that confidence that my man will treasure me and romance me every day. I want the kind of lover that I can bare my soul to, cry with, laugh with, and be absolutely ridiculous with… every single day that I still have breath. That is the true desire of my heart, above anything else. I keep telling myself that I want a job and to be happy with my life no matter what; that unless I hear in an audible voice, “Marry this man!” I will not ever get married. I tell myself I’m ok with that. But I know it’s not true. I long, above everything else in this world, to love a man so deeply that it hurts. And to be loved so passionately in return that I can’t imagine a life without him in it. Who is it? Why can’t God just tell me who he is now and get it over with? I want this man. I need this man… to complete me, to love me, to be loved by me. I need to love. I need to be able to give my all to someone. I want the kind of love where, no matter the circumstances, we trust each other enough to know without the slightest doubt that we will come running back to each other at the end of the day, just as much or more in love than before. I want my heart to burst with happiness. I want to feel like I would die for someone… for him. I want to be someone’s life… his entire world. I want a love so passionate that I can feel it all over my body and soul. When I find him, I’ll know. Until then, I’m left praying for him to get here quickly. I love him already. I pray for him, I cry for him, I long for him. Lord, he needs to get here soon. 

Eyes Closed

This is perfect. No way I’m giving this up. Sing song, and a sweet melody.

 

He’s a genius. Who’s he? Well, there are many “he’s” that make it all worthwhile. That one up there. And that one who rights my outs before the night. And this one who plays the sweetest melodies. That’s what comes to mind.

 

When the song is over, or when I think it is, how will I know? Who’s going to tell me?

 

Motion on they keys… on so many levels.

 

 Too fast, they’re all too fast. What’s a girl to do? Eyes closed, thinking of the unthinkable. Let’s not go there again. Too much for today. For my life.

 

I need to start that. Always something to start. Never something to finish. It works. Argue all you want, but that’s how it goes. That’s the way it is.

 

No more music. The sweet melody is gone. And I’m left in another country, surrounded by crazy roofs and painted people selling themselves for a living. That’s a concept. I want to be sold to nothing else but that one up there.

 

Sometimes I wonder why I can’t be home. When I get home, I’m still longing for home. See? Never something to finish. What if it never ends? I know it won’t, but that’s too much. Not today, not ever.

 

I wish this could be followed, but usually the mush up inside my top part can’t explain things very well. Go figure.

 

When I rub my eyes, I see things. What if I do that forever? 

The Happy Stuff

It’s hard to write the happy stuff. Hard to find myself content. More, more, more. They scream. I whisper. Unspoken, with a troublesome creature behind the painting. It’s beautiful, not real though. They say. I wink. Exactly. 

It’s hard to write the happy stuff. Amidst such rough and tumble, that is. It’s all a circle, not a line with an end, like they think. They don’t think. I chuckle. I know all about that circle. Too bad they’re all wrapped up. Tied up. Shaken up. Whoa, shaken up. 

It’s hard to write the happy stuff. So much. Big pools of brokenness. Arms always, but no relief. Lips to cheeks or foreheads, but no rest, really. “Wa wa wa…” like the educator in that strip about a boy and his dog. Dogs. They understand better, sometimes. Big eyes, no kisses. Just presence. They condone. I cringe. Beings can do that too. Try. Just try. 

It’s hard to write the happy stuff. Fury. It comes and goes. Why, I oughta… they pierce. I do too. What a nightmare. Oh yes, I said it. The dark and a thought. No rest for me, no sir. Shrieking and shoes pounding. Sidewalks take the rage. Scared? Me too. 

It’s hard to write the happy stuff. It won’t get there. I won’t, they say. I wink. This fluffiness beside me is inspiration enough. It’ll get the job done. Perpetual solace. No name, though. Just happy thoughts. Happy face, sad face. Happy face, sad face. Happy face… 

Not so hard to write the happy stuff. Effort with a smile. You wanna see? My, my, my aren’t you a sight for sore eyes. I’m filled, that’s all. Circling for an end. For the kill? Nah, for the end. Oh wait, that’s a lie. They shrink. I know. Oh, I know. I’m smiling because of the sword and flame in the clouds. It’ll be there, I promise. More, more, more. No more. Rough and tumble. No more. The pools. No more. Fury? Fury. No. More. See now? They don’t. You know I do. 

Hard to write the happy stuff? Gosh. You tell me.

The Power of a Whisper

There is nothing like the goodness of God and the strength of His presence. 

~~~

His love is deep and filled with promises.

~~~

We all desire to be loved unconditionally. 

I have something exciting to tell you:

The Lord of all, 

the Creator of the universe,

 and the Author of our faith

has sacrificed everything He ever could

to wash you clean.

~~~

Those rough spots,

when you feel like life could never be worse,

are just part of the storm

that eventually calms...

and there is peace.

~~~

"... the Lord passed by, 

and a great and strong wind tore into the mountains

and broke the rocks in pieces before the Lord,

but the Lord was not in the wind;

and after the wind an earthquake,

but the Lord was not in the earthquake;

and after the earthquake a fire,

but the Lord was not in the fire;

and after the fire

a still small voice."

~~~

So if you feel like the wind is blowing you around

and the earth is shaking

and your skin is searing,

be encouraged.

The Lord will whisper.

The cinquain

Learned of a new form of poetry the other day. It's called a "cinquain." My creation follows.

Hug

Cozy, Desperate

Healing, Lasting, Loving

A place of security

Comfort

I'm not sure that I like cinquains. They're much too structured or something.

1 Noun

2 Adjectives

3 "-ing" words

4-word sentence

1 Synonym of noun

Free verse is best, says the mushiness under my thinking cap.