You know my innermost being, Lord

"Have you ever wanted to be someone else?

Have you ever wanted just to be someone?

Have you ever wanted to reach your dreams?

Have you ever wanted life to be more than it seems?

Have you ever wanted to reach up and touch the sky?

Have you ever wanted to pack it up and say goodbye?

Have you ever wanted someone to care?

Have you ever wanted someone to be there?"

YES. This is how my heart is feeling.

Thank you, Shawn McDonald, for rasping out the truth of my innermost.

This is what I'm thinking: Don't you ever just want to be something and do something that's more important than yourself? To literally be the hands and feet of God? Isn't that what life is all about? Or is life about living the way everyone else lives and surviving in the economy? I don't know what to say to those feelings. There isn't an answer! There has to be a bigger purpose for me besides what I've been doing. I want to throw myself at the feet of God and say, "Send me anywhere! Use me to do anything! Because my body and soul are yours anyway..."

I've been sulking and frustrated. I want "life to be more that it seems." But I've forgotten the most important lyrics to that song. They go something like this...

"I have tasted of a love so wide that it stops all my time. I have tasted of a love so deep that it blows my mind. What you're looking for is my sweet, sweet Jesus."

It's Jesus. The answer. A simple one.

How do I take hold of Jesus?

That birth is still a mystery

I still don't understand

How all of your goodness

All of your holiness

All of your power

All of your tenderness

All of your righteousness

All of your mercy

All of your strength

All of your wisdom

And your sweet, sweet love

Was condensed into human form

And not only that

You were a baby

You were the size of a pea

At one point

How?

Your glory was subdued

And the brightness of your form

Could only be seen through your eyes

You made yourself nothing

And now here I am

Before you

Laying upon my bed

My mind pondering

My heart swelling without understanding

The only thing in which we find freedom cannot be held

I feel trapped

Trapped by this world

Trapped by government

And choices

Trapped by rights

Trapped by people

By friends

By family

By children

By adults

By everyone

Trapped by expenses

Trapped by peers

Trapped by employment

Trapped by fears

Trapped by lies

Trapped by truth

Trapped by love

Yes, by love

I feel trapped by my clothes

And my hair

And my shoes

Trapped by ideas

And thoughts

And booze

Trapped by hunger

Trapped by pain

Trapped by weather

Again

We're trapped

But we try to be free

We're trapped

That's the way it will be

Until

Until you find that grace

Yes, there is a grace

That wipes the big glob of dirt off your face

And then there's a hand that's covered in slime

His hand is dirty now, not mine

"You really are free"

He says to me

So why can't I take Him seriously?

I have a hopeless feeling, I guess

I won't be free

Truly free

Until in heaven I rest

His Spirit is within me

And even that

Even that thought

Sometimes makes me feel it

What do I feel?

A Psalm

Holy Lord, I yearn for you today.

Be my Rock and my Wisdom.

Help me to serve You, and serve You well.

You know my heart;

Help me to find and know Yours.

Thank You for Your jealousy.

Thank you for Your continued blessings,

Despite our wickedness.

We are treacherous beings,

Not worthy of trust or an eternal glory.

But oh, the love of Christ!

Thank You, dear Savior, for making me pure.

You alone are the fullness of grace.

My heart cries out for You!

We're All Just Desperate

We all tug on the pant leg of grace

We all pound on the pillow of healing

We all slurp from the cup of hope

We all want an everlasting something

We all weep on the chest of loving kindness

We all bite on the arm of consistency

We all cling to the waist of provision

We all want a never ending something

We all hold our breath for tenderness

We all reach and grasp for strength

We all throw ourselves to the ground for truth

We all want an undefeated something

We all seek an exquisite life

We all crawl through a vicious place

We all tussle for our desires

We all lick our lips for the

Everlasting

Never ending

Undefeated

Something

Rain has this effect of me

The leaves outside my window are wet

These Cheerios sound like Rice Crispies

I've been waiting aimlessly for some sleep

It's cold

This bittersweet life

Can only turn into whatever we put into it

Right now

What I've put into it is a lazy bum on the couch

Some days seem pointless

You put nothing into them

And consequently

Get nothing out of them

But occasionally

It's nice to sit

Watching the wet branches

Get crushed and swayed by the rain

The black and white picture

There is a face that stares at me

From a screen

And I wish it was here

Staring at me

From close up

And wishing

For a glimpse of reality

Like this

Now and then

We all want different things

In the end

The same thing

But in the mean time

We all want different things

For but a moment

The different thing
I want

Is someone

To stand in front

In front of the screen

And tell me not to look

Anymore

But to see

See you

In front of me