Fix-It Superpower!

Every once in a while it's nice to go back in time; maybe read an old book, revisit a special place, or see an old friend. Whatever it is, nostalgia kicks in and I'm left wondering why I ever let the book or the place or the person slip out of my grasp. Then, after I see or experience or read, I remember. All the bad things that sent shivers down my spine return in a flood of unpleasant memories.

If I could choose a superpower, I'd pick the ability to fix any problem I wanted to. I hate the idea that the world is not perfect and that things don't always go the way you want them to. I tend to place all the blame on myself when things go wrong, and then I try to fix it. Or at least I want to.

What good does that do? Old friends are old friends for a reason. They had their time, it was great, but hanging on only makes life more complicated and harder to bear.

Baby therapy

I've had my share of kiddos in the few days I've been home so far. It's really great to just chill with little ones... I love sitting there watching them play or talk to each other. Unfortunately, I get frustrated when I babysit for one particular family. They have a big, stupid dog... named Louie. *Sigh* I think the parents pay so well because they know I have to deal with the dog more than the kids. Well, Saturday night was quite the adventure...

See, we thought it would be fun to put together a gingerbread house. Fun? Fun?! What was I thinking? Well, we tried "gluing" the house together (and I was corrected many times, "It's not glue, Miss Becca... it's icing!"), but that didn't work out so well. Who the heck thought of slow-drying icing to keep a ginger bread house from slipping and sliding apart? Hmm. Well, all they wanted to do was decorate, so we spread the pieces out on the table... and then spread the icing with our fingers! I mean, why not... they're gonna lick it up and get messy anyway. So, they finished decorating and washed their hands and it all seemed like it was going to work out. We left the pieces on the table to dry. I planned on "gluing" the house together after they went to bed.

Amidst a serious game of fooseball against a 6-year-old, little Emily politely informed me that Louie spit up all over the carpet. I cautiously peeked in the direction she was pointing, and what do you think I saw? Candy pieces and a bit of his dinner on the floor. "Bad Louie!" Wait... candy pieces? How... oh! no! "LOUIE!"

I dashed upstairs and of course, I find sprinkles all over the floor and only four pieces of the house left. If you think about it, there are four walls and two roof pieces. I guessed the other two were inside of Louie. Thank goodness they didn't come up with the candy pieces! Two of the four pieces that were left seemed a little too wet considering the amount of time they had been drying... and in that moment my heart sunk. The kids ran upstairs to see what kind of trouble their dumb dog got into, and as they saw the damage to their artwork, the smiles on their faces vanished. "Ugh! Louie!!! Downstairs you go." Needless to say, that dog makes my skin crawl.

Today, I got to watch baby Kaitlyn for about two hours. As my mother always says, "Sometimes you just need to hold a baby... it's therapudic." I had a great time talking like an idiot, watching her take in the strange, new surroundings in my house. How anyone could not love kids, I will never understand. If I ever come across someone with those issues, I'll just shove a baby in their arms and see the transformation take place.

Having said all that, I will have a silly grin on my face all day, no doubt.

A butterfly can do it... why not me?

"But these things I plan won't happen right away. Slowly, steadily, surely, the time approaches when the vision will be fulfilled. If it seems slow, do not despair, for these things will surely come to pass. Just be patient! they will not be overdue a single day!"

I've always thought I was patient... more than necessary, actually. Lately, it's wearing thin and I'm getting frustrated. With who? God. It makes my insides hurt and my eyes tear up to admit it, but I am. If I think about it long and hard enough, I'll come to realize that my frustration is my own fault... but who wants to admit that? It's easier to push the blame on anyone else but myself.

I wish He would talk... or even just visit me for a minute so I could get a glimpse of Him. "If I could just see you, everything will be all right. If I'd see you, this darkness would turn to light." I often lay in bed just wishing that He would come and touch my face or hug me in His huge, comforting arms and tell me He has it all under control. "Just rest in Me." Well, I've tried resting and trusting. All this patience stuff is overrated. And yet here I sit, being patient because that's what Becca does best. Oy.

On one not-so-particular day

I sat there today, in the cafeteria, affectionately known as the "fluh." Yes, I sat there. I often eat alone, not that I mind. Today was no different, except that it was so... peaceful. I sat there in a booth, getting smelly because the stench of onions and whatever else they cook permeates every item of fabric present, and watched the snow fall down. They recently hung lights in the floor-to-ceiling windows, the icicle kind. It felt like Christmas... or at least the way I picture a Christmas day. I wanted to sit there forever. No one understands why I like the snow. Yeah, it gets grey and ugly. And yeah, it can cause major road problems. And oh yeah, it can freeze your car to the ground... but it's beautiful! And after it falls, before all the trucks start clearing up the mess of things, it's so quiet. Come on now, you can't help but smile, can you?

A Drop From My Eye

Tears.
They're funny things. I wish I understood how they worked.
How do they know when you're feeling blue?
We know when we're upset because... well, because there are tears.
Crying brings peace, usually. If only for a little while.
Why is that? Why do we need to cry? Why do the tears flow?
It's an awful experience... and leaves you fully exhausted.
So why does it feel good sometimes to let the tears roll over our cheeks and spill onto our shirts... or pillows?
I hate holding it in. I feel like I'm exposing too much of myself if I show my tears.
Only God knows the tears... my tears.
He knows what each one was for... and He heard every hurt and angry word I ever said in the midst of the liquid coming out of my eyes.
That terrifies me.
No one should know the tears.
They're funny things.

Becca the Bobblehead

Truthfully, I just had a big scare and I don't want to talk about it. After today, I'm seriously considering a career in counseling. Hmm, I'll look into that.

Don't you hate drama? The kinda where a friend calls you up and says, "Hey, funny story I gotta tell you..." and then proceeds to tell you something that just makes your mouth drop? The story really isn't funny at all and you're left shaking your head after the friend finds some excuse to get out of your awkward disappointment. Today in particular, my trap flopped at the idiocy of such a happening. I'm still shaking my head, wondering how on earth this person could create so much drama in his life. It's just ridiculous. The best part is that, without fail, I always hear about every single stupid decision because... I listen. It's what I do. Oh, but it gets better. After I hear about it, I'll try to be honest, but that's just too awkward sometimes and said person doesn't want to hear it. So... I'm left sitting with a wide open mouth, looking like a bobblehead doll because no matter how hard I try, it won't stop shaking.

Another sunny day in Paris and Rome... but I wanna go home. I miss you so.

It's amazing how lifted my spirits are now that I've seen people from home. Lissa and the "2nd parents" came to see me today on their way to Pittsburgh. I realize that here in this silly little slippery town I'm not attached to anyone, and the love gets sucked out of me. All happiness gets drained out of my system by the end of a semester and I just want to be HOME... with the people who fill my life to it's fullest with all kinds of wonderfulness. I find myself counting down the days until I get to go home and eat turkey, and even more so the days until I get to be back at home for an entire month! Then I think to myself how awful that actually sounds... I should be having the time of my life at college. I should be soaking in all this information and educational goodness that La Piedra has to offer. Such thoughts never cross my mind though, and I spend my days wishing I were home. I guess this rough stuff just makes it all the more joyous when I am home again for a while.