June 3rd

I'm all alone

It's a difficult night

A birthday passed

Yesterday

That I forgot

But shouldn't have

Wouldn't have

A year ago

No

I should have

And I would have

Except that I was reminded

My Neighbor

This lady lived right next to me

Who peeked through her window occasionally

She screamed a lot

And her cotton-white hair and steely eyes

Did nothing to improve my opinion of her

She'd hang out her panties and shirts and socks

Every

Single

Day

Because she had nothing better to do

But fill up the washer and scrub-a-dub-dub

Her clothes

They were hideous, too

All the while I felt sorry for her

Especially when she cut her grass

With that ancient mower

And when she talked of her husband

With a scratchy, nasty voice

One day she kicked a basketball away from me

I think she meant to steal it

Instead I grabbed it and asked her

"Why are you so mean?"

She's gone now

I think she takes pills

And plays bridge and makes puzzles with the other old folks

She's happy

And

She wants to come home

I'd love to live without it

There's a thing beneath my chest

That never lies because it never speaks

Some say it speaks

But not I

I say it thumps and aches

And thumps and aches

Thumps and aches

Thump

Ache

Then the corners of my mouth give way to gravity

Salt water soon flows down the skin on my face

And I know what it is to stop breathing

That thing, that monster underneath my ribcage

Is screaming

Like those stupid blondes in old movies

Who say nothing, but scream

It's high-pitched, don't you think?

Too high

So my discovery:

There's a shrieking, girly monster

Somewhere in my chest

I think it's on the left side

Broken lips

Sometimes I wish I knew what to say to God. He often has me tongue-tied, much like I feel when the one I love is around. If He ever stood in front of me, I think I'd freeze. Perhaps a conversation without words would be completely appropriate. I'd hug Him, and touch His wrists. I'd look at Him for eternity if I could. I have a feeling His eyes will be the most breathtaking things I'll ever see.

Maybe that's why I'm having such trouble talking with Him... because words aren't enough. I've come to realize that they can't ever express everything inside of me, no matter how hard I try. I'm not eloquent. My words often don't reflect my heart. So how do I talk with God if I can't speak?

Lately I literally feel like my lips are incapable of forming words for Him. You know how some people lose the desire to live? Sometimes I lose all desire to speak. That's when my relationship with the Lord becomes difficult... I'm not able to just sit with Him when talking doesn't cut it.

I've been feeling like God is pressing something on my heart: I try too hard in my relationship with Him. If I simply live to please Him and help Him love other people through me, I'll be accomplishing so much more and experiencing such joy and peace than if I was focusing on what I should and shouldn't do... how I should and shouldn't act... what I should say or shouldn't say.

Anyway, it took all this to say: I haven't been speaking with God. I miss Him, but the words just won't come. So I'll serve and love and just live life in the hopes that my lips will be loosed and eventually give way to a much-needed conversation.

I spoke with a bird

I'm looking at a stone floor.

The lines are wobbly and dusted with pink petals.

There's a tree with beautiful branches.

I often wish I could be a tree...

Now I've got a bird staring me down.

"Pardon me, fine lady, but have you seen my slimy, wiggling friend?"

"No, my good birdfellow, I'm afraid I have not."

He hops along his merry way,

and I can't help wondering:

Have I helped to save a life or condemned another to starvation?

Wishful thinking

I sit here thinking

"I wish..."

And then it's gone

And I'm gone

Incredibly dangerous it is

To be

You whistle

Then pause as if to tell me something

Or nothing

That works too

Too often I expect

What isn't there

"I wish...

I wish that made me a better person"

Gazing out my window

I was surprised and delighted by the vibrant green grass. Right then and there, I wished my handwriting was more flowy... it would have matched my mood.