Scribbles

Tear the veil

Look into my eyes

And hold my heart

Full of veins and real life

Make my life as real as my heart

Beating, boasting

Yearning for something

Like air

I'm married. The man sitting across from me proposed last year in March and we tied the knot that September. It's been silly, difficult bliss ever since. 


I'm restless. The only thing I can think to do is dig and dig and dig until I find something that makes my heart pound and my eyes shine. Maybe it won't be that obvious. 


I'm changing. The Jesus I thought I knew is ever changing in my mind's eye. One exciting thing is that he's never finished with me. Never. I have hope and change for all of life.

A Fire

It feels like your anger and your love are the same,

At times.

This fire in front of me burns red,

And all I think of is your rage.

Your love can burn, too,

For the same reasons.

You stepped in for me,

And through the ungrateful slime that sits here

You see me

The perfect me.

And because you are furious

You love.

God.

I have no words,

But I try.

It will never,

Ever,

Be enough.

Thank you.

I am sitting,

Wanting you,

Knowing your grace,

And sitting...

Just sitting,

Because that's all I can think to do

To express my heart for you.

Air in motion

I hear the wind

Like my brother whistling

Even inside I'm cold

When I think of the way

The air can sweep right through you

I want to stand in it

To be enveloped

In something not me

But I am afraid of the cold

I never venture forth

To feel the power in the tempest

There is something so reassuring

About being loved so much

That such love could crush you

And that is what I see in the storm today

I could be crushed

Blown away

Ripped apart

By something as earthly as the wind

I think it is time

For me to go stand

In the raging, glorious whirlwind

Of love

And that, of course, is what He has for me

You know my innermost being, Lord

"Have you ever wanted to be someone else?

Have you ever wanted just to be someone?

Have you ever wanted to reach your dreams?

Have you ever wanted life to be more than it seems?

Have you ever wanted to reach up and touch the sky?

Have you ever wanted to pack it up and say goodbye?

Have you ever wanted someone to care?

Have you ever wanted someone to be there?"

YES. This is how my heart is feeling.

Thank you, Shawn McDonald, for rasping out the truth of my innermost.

This is what I'm thinking: Don't you ever just want to be something and do something that's more important than yourself? To literally be the hands and feet of God? Isn't that what life is all about? Or is life about living the way everyone else lives and surviving in the economy? I don't know what to say to those feelings. There isn't an answer! There has to be a bigger purpose for me besides what I've been doing. I want to throw myself at the feet of God and say, "Send me anywhere! Use me to do anything! Because my body and soul are yours anyway..."

I've been sulking and frustrated. I want "life to be more that it seems." But I've forgotten the most important lyrics to that song. They go something like this...

"I have tasted of a love so wide that it stops all my time. I have tasted of a love so deep that it blows my mind. What you're looking for is my sweet, sweet Jesus."

It's Jesus. The answer. A simple one.

How do I take hold of Jesus?

That birth is still a mystery

I still don't understand

How all of your goodness

All of your holiness

All of your power

All of your tenderness

All of your righteousness

All of your mercy

All of your strength

All of your wisdom

And your sweet, sweet love

Was condensed into human form

And not only that

You were a baby

You were the size of a pea

At one point

How?

Your glory was subdued

And the brightness of your form

Could only be seen through your eyes

You made yourself nothing

And now here I am

Before you

Laying upon my bed

My mind pondering

My heart swelling without understanding

The only thing in which we find freedom cannot be held

I feel trapped

Trapped by this world

Trapped by government

And choices

Trapped by rights

Trapped by people

By friends

By family

By children

By adults

By everyone

Trapped by expenses

Trapped by peers

Trapped by employment

Trapped by fears

Trapped by lies

Trapped by truth

Trapped by love

Yes, by love

I feel trapped by my clothes

And my hair

And my shoes

Trapped by ideas

And thoughts

And booze

Trapped by hunger

Trapped by pain

Trapped by weather

Again

We're trapped

But we try to be free

We're trapped

That's the way it will be

Until

Until you find that grace

Yes, there is a grace

That wipes the big glob of dirt off your face

And then there's a hand that's covered in slime

His hand is dirty now, not mine

"You really are free"

He says to me

So why can't I take Him seriously?

I have a hopeless feeling, I guess

I won't be free

Truly free

Until in heaven I rest

His Spirit is within me

And even that

Even that thought

Sometimes makes me feel it

What do I feel?

A Psalm

Holy Lord, I yearn for you today.

Be my Rock and my Wisdom.

Help me to serve You, and serve You well.

You know my heart;

Help me to find and know Yours.

Thank You for Your jealousy.

Thank you for Your continued blessings,

Despite our wickedness.

We are treacherous beings,

Not worthy of trust or an eternal glory.

But oh, the love of Christ!

Thank You, dear Savior, for making me pure.

You alone are the fullness of grace.

My heart cries out for You!

We're All Just Desperate

We all tug on the pant leg of grace

We all pound on the pillow of healing

We all slurp from the cup of hope

We all want an everlasting something

We all weep on the chest of loving kindness

We all bite on the arm of consistency

We all cling to the waist of provision

We all want a never ending something

We all hold our breath for tenderness

We all reach and grasp for strength

We all throw ourselves to the ground for truth

We all want an undefeated something

We all seek an exquisite life

We all crawl through a vicious place

We all tussle for our desires

We all lick our lips for the

Everlasting

Never ending

Undefeated

Something

Rain has this effect of me

The leaves outside my window are wet

These Cheerios sound like Rice Crispies

I've been waiting aimlessly for some sleep

It's cold

This bittersweet life

Can only turn into whatever we put into it

Right now

What I've put into it is a lazy bum on the couch

Some days seem pointless

You put nothing into them

And consequently

Get nothing out of them

But occasionally

It's nice to sit

Watching the wet branches

Get crushed and swayed by the rain

The black and white picture

There is a face that stares at me

From a screen

And I wish it was here

Staring at me

From close up

And wishing

For a glimpse of reality

Like this

Now and then

We all want different things

In the end

The same thing

But in the mean time

We all want different things

For but a moment

The different thing
I want

Is someone

To stand in front

In front of the screen

And tell me not to look

Anymore

But to see

See you

In front of me

Friday night

All I can do

Is apologize

For things that aren't my fault

Because I'm frightened

Frightened of being

Who you don't want me to be

A Moses Life

Don't you wish

You could have stood next to Moses?

Heard the breath of God

And saw His hands save your life?

Hmm

There are days

And months

And years

When I need that speaking fire

That holy ground

That bloody water

To get it

To know it

The hand of God

There's something about the hand of God

That I can't wait to discover

I think

That when I first see Him

The constant Love of my life

I'll touch His face

Then His hand

And then perhaps

With a tear in my eye

Ask Him how He parted the sea

Sometimes it's not okay

That I have to wait

I'd like to see

A parting sea

God, give someone a staff

And let us know You

And fear You again

I can't tell when I can't speak

I'm kinda mad about the Wim thing.

The Wim thing?

No, the Rim thing!

You're kinda mad about the Rim thing?

The Rim thing? No, silly, the Kim thing.

Okay, but what about the Kim thing?

It's not the Kim thing! Why can't you get it? It's the Dim thing.

The Dim thing...?

Ugh. Forget it. I knew you wouldn't understand.

June 3rd

I'm all alone

It's a difficult night

A birthday passed

Yesterday

That I forgot

But shouldn't have

Wouldn't have

A year ago

No

I should have

And I would have

Except that I was reminded

My Neighbor

This lady lived right next to me

Who peeked through her window occasionally

She screamed a lot

And her cotton-white hair and steely eyes

Did nothing to improve my opinion of her

She'd hang out her panties and shirts and socks

Every

Single

Day

Because she had nothing better to do

But fill up the washer and scrub-a-dub-dub

Her clothes

They were hideous, too

All the while I felt sorry for her

Especially when she cut her grass

With that ancient mower

And when she talked of her husband

With a scratchy, nasty voice

One day she kicked a basketball away from me

I think she meant to steal it

Instead I grabbed it and asked her

"Why are you so mean?"

She's gone now

I think she takes pills

And plays bridge and makes puzzles with the other old folks

She's happy

And

She wants to come home

I'd love to live without it

There's a thing beneath my chest

That never lies because it never speaks

Some say it speaks

But not I

I say it thumps and aches

And thumps and aches

Thumps and aches

Thump

Ache

Then the corners of my mouth give way to gravity

Salt water soon flows down the skin on my face

And I know what it is to stop breathing

That thing, that monster underneath my ribcage

Is screaming

Like those stupid blondes in old movies

Who say nothing, but scream

It's high-pitched, don't you think?

Too high

So my discovery:

There's a shrieking, girly monster

Somewhere in my chest

I think it's on the left side

Broken lips

Sometimes I wish I knew what to say to God. He often has me tongue-tied, much like I feel when the one I love is around. If He ever stood in front of me, I think I'd freeze. Perhaps a conversation without words would be completely appropriate. I'd hug Him, and touch His wrists. I'd look at Him for eternity if I could. I have a feeling His eyes will be the most breathtaking things I'll ever see.

Maybe that's why I'm having such trouble talking with Him... because words aren't enough. I've come to realize that they can't ever express everything inside of me, no matter how hard I try. I'm not eloquent. My words often don't reflect my heart. So how do I talk with God if I can't speak?

Lately I literally feel like my lips are incapable of forming words for Him. You know how some people lose the desire to live? Sometimes I lose all desire to speak. That's when my relationship with the Lord becomes difficult... I'm not able to just sit with Him when talking doesn't cut it.

I've been feeling like God is pressing something on my heart: I try too hard in my relationship with Him. If I simply live to please Him and help Him love other people through me, I'll be accomplishing so much more and experiencing such joy and peace than if I was focusing on what I should and shouldn't do... how I should and shouldn't act... what I should say or shouldn't say.

Anyway, it took all this to say: I haven't been speaking with God. I miss Him, but the words just won't come. So I'll serve and love and just live life in the hopes that my lips will be loosed and eventually give way to a much-needed conversation.

I spoke with a bird

I'm looking at a stone floor.

The lines are wobbly and dusted with pink petals.

There's a tree with beautiful branches.

I often wish I could be a tree...

Now I've got a bird staring me down.

"Pardon me, fine lady, but have you seen my slimy, wiggling friend?"

"No, my good birdfellow, I'm afraid I have not."

He hops along his merry way,

and I can't help wondering:

Have I helped to save a life or condemned another to starvation?

Wishful thinking

I sit here thinking

"I wish..."

And then it's gone

And I'm gone

Incredibly dangerous it is

To be

You whistle

Then pause as if to tell me something

Or nothing

That works too

Too often I expect

What isn't there

"I wish...

I wish that made me a better person"

Gazing out my window

I was surprised and delighted by the vibrant green grass. Right then and there, I wished my handwriting was more flowy... it would have matched my mood.