To fiercely love with a heavy heart

I'm sad today

I'm sad that He is pure and perfect

And I'm not

For Him

I long to be pure for Him

But I'm already stained

He does wash the sin away

But I am still

Oh, so filthy

I'm afraid

Afraid to look on His face one day

I long for it and fear it at the same time

It will be hard to look into His eyes

And feel worthy

I'm feeling sad today

Sad that I've disappointed others after Him

Almost like a painted face

I've created a mask of good intention

And loveliness

I'm not lovely

I'm just as dirty as a murderer

Or a sex offender

Well, that puts it in perspective

But He came into this world

To seek and save the lost

Veiled in flesh

He grew up to take my place

To make me like snow

I love Him

Fiercely, and it hurts

It hurts because I can't ever love Him

As He loves me

Perfectly, in purity

Stay awake, don't nod and dream.

Uh, well, my eyes are tired. I've got chapped hands, a few paper cuts, and a swelled brain from the ridiculous amount of information shoved in it over the past four days. I'm ready for a nap. A nice, cozy nap.

Sometimes I wonder what God thinks of sleep. Obviously it's necessary for our survival, but we sleep so much. And it feels so good to sleep. Why?

Half of our lives are spent in dreamland. Seems like so much time wasted... not like we're self-sacrificing to begin with, but you'd think we could be doing an insane amount of good in those hours.

Upon closing

It's just that...

Well, it's just that I've seen Him work.

I'm confident that He won't fail.

Good thing He's confident too.

Thank you for your encouraging words, dear friend.

I know He will come through.

He has something so much greater in store...

I can't see it, but He's stirring up something delicious.

And almost perfect.

So now I must trust.

Good thing I've been praying for that.

Good thing.

An update

I realized that I haven't taken the time to write about life lately. It's all been poetry and nonsense, really (which, by the way, I would still like your thoughts on).

Lately life has been... exciting! The love of Christ is so abundant, it's ridiculous! I have had the pure pleasure of experiencing Him in a million new ways. I'd like to encourage you to make the decision to see God in everything; it will open your eyes to the beauty and glory of the Lord.

ESU has been good for me. I'm definitely not doing as well in school as I would like, but by the grace of God, I'm passing. I find myself praying before each test for an "increase in memory," because clearly I can't even begin to take the test on my own. Three more semesters to go! And then comes the thought of grad school... yes? no? I'd like to think I'll have the option of starting a family by then. Hmm, we'll see.

My old Subaru (Westley, as I like to call him) has deceased. I will miss him dearly, I think. Although he was getting a bit too vocal for my liking. Cars should stay quiet...

Youth group. What a whirlwind. Christen and I had started up our church's youth group again in the beginning of the summer. We had so many kids without connection to each other or to God, so what else were we supposed to do?! I love it though! Those kids, whatever kind of crazy mood they're in, are so special and capable of awesome things. It's scary to think that I have some kind of influence in their lives; that the things I say could alter their opinion of the Lord and of life. God help me, I want to be a light to those kids.

To end this informative post, please read the following... and then read it again and again so you've got it memorized. Repeat it to yourself daily. It's what I live by.

"Be joyful always. Pray continually. Give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus." 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18

No coats in spring

At the beginning of winter, I love the cold. I guess it's really just that I love to bundle up. I enjoy feeling the cold on my face while I'm so cozy beneath the layers.

Well, I love to be bundled up in myself... I'm not a very open person. I'm okay to feel the abrasive nature of others, and I'll passively deal with it until I'm blue in the face. But I very much dislike throwing my life out in the open for everyone to see. So I'll stay bundled up because it's comfortable; and like a coat is on an icy day, sometimes my shelter is necessary.

Now, though, I'm aspiring to be one-hundred-percent honest. As far as that goes, I can take off my coat. It's springtime for so many reasons.

Light will definitely do that

Reduced, lowered to isolation almost.

It's so real, hardly tangible,

And boy, that frustrates me.

Someone is holding me,

Keeping me from grabbing it.

Please, please let me latch on!

Forever.

See, it's necessary...

Like the breath that needs to pass through my body.

I'm drowning in my own darkness.

If this is self-induced,

Then I guess I'm not alone in it.

There is one more;

Yes, actually, there is.

The one holding me back isn't tangible either,

But he's so real.

Again, hardly tangible.

He's got smothering breath though.

You know the smile?

The one that peeks through your lips

When you open the blinds in the morning

And you're greeted by a sunny day?

It amazes me.

Yes, I'm amazed by the power of light.

Light will definitely do that.

The tight grip he has on my ankle...

Well, thankfully the light has power.

I smile when the light bursts through.

He looks up and shivers.

Sometimes I wonder why.

It's so warm!

I can now slowly crawl toward the very real.

I love the sun.

They Went Through Separate Windows

He stood

She remained

He'd return if she'd stand

But she won't

A tweet, a whistle, a flutter

Heard outside

Brown feathers

And a nest of odds and ends

She's still sitting, sir

Perhaps you should join the birds

They're outside

And she's in

It's raining

But they're still rustling about

It's raining

And you're still fixed in that spot

He moved for a kiss

She moved to miss

He moved to the door

She moved to the floor

Before departure

He stepped across

And slowly, very slowly

Shut and latched her window

I would like to tell you something

It seems he knew. All along, yes. He knew the color of the sky would change on that day. It rained, yes. My sky was grey. The bouquet upon me was pretty, though. And he knew.

I am undone, it seems. I was for a while, yes. He made it impossible to get away. And while I continue in this, he knows how to shape it. He shapes me, yes.

He says it will never end. Yes, I agree. And I hope this equally sweet song will never end. The melody sweeps, yes. At least I know he holds it all. I do believe he holds it all.

Turkey Day

I'm thankful for my sweet Jesus.

I'm thankful for my family who love fiercely, even if they don't realize it.

I'm thankful for fall... I can see God the most in the beauty of autumn.

I'm thankful for all the people in my life who are there no matter what.

I'm thankful for the new and exciting!

I'm thankful for amazing food and parades on television.

I'm thankful for laughter... in particular, for a Grandma who could laugh anyone's socks off.

I'm thankful for Pandora, which has the BEST Christmas stations imaginable.

I'm thankful for cell phones. They help out with long-distance kinda things.

I'm thankful for my home and the roof over my head.

I'm thankful for fireplaces... they're so cozy, and the fire is mesmerizing.

I'm thankful for the peace I'm filled with daily, just knowing my Creator is there with me every breath I take.

There is so much to be thankful for.

Wait and see

Some guitar music

Led to a chat

And though nothing was said

Implied

Not expected

Not unwanted

Some fifth day

The test should be passed

It's hard to guess

The complex mess

Of ponderings up there

So stop guessing, He says

We've all seen You

Lord, I love you. Continue to permeate my life. These days have been hard in so many ways, but your constancy and faithfulness have been my strength.

This world breaks my heart. Killing babies, drinking to death, giving intercourse and intimacy to no one of significance... the list could continue for hours. You know it all and I can't imagine how this rips your insides. I wish I could apologize for everything we've ruined in your world. Jesus, I just don't understand why people think the way they do, or act the way they act. I'm sorry the whole world doesn't know you.

I'm happy, though, that we have no excuse. You proclaim yourself in all that surrounds us.

Mr. Golden Sun, please shine down on me.

Rain, rain

Go away

At least until I get my rainboots

Rain, rain

Come some other day

Today I'd like to feel the sun

Rain, rain

Find some way

To meet up with a smile

Rain, rain

You remind me of tears

Please, please stop

Rain, rain

You nourish the earth

Why can't you do the same for me?

Rain, rain

I can deal with your mood

Just don't let it get to your head

Rain, rain

You're beautifully made

We're similar in that way

Rain, rain

I guess you can stay

A "thank you" will suffice

My best friend has a different last name

There weren't bells

But oh, joy was complete

There wasn't sun

But oh, they both shone

One of the best days of my life thus far

Has changed it forever in the saddest sense

One of the best days of their lives thus far

Has made them one under God

I can't describe how happy I am

Or how absolutely heartbroken I've become

The smile on my face is deceiving to all

What happens alone is the truth

The same ceremony I pray for myself

Doesn't seem logical, though

I've tried to ignore the absence of love

But now that she's gone... impossible

Jesus knows, and I'm sure He's trying

To bring to me the one who will complete my joy

Accident

Soon I'll be eating some dough

Trapped in a world of hats and happy faces

All for the cause of a fatal truth

My time will be fun, but her's was not

Thank goodness she had hope

The people she lived with had hope

A swerve created a problem

It shouldn't have

But it did and the world is one less

Expectancy is what enraptures them now

One day, up there, we'll eat at the same table

Oh, glory

Till then, we'll eat here for a cause

Maybe spread a little something

And frown with the family tonight

Record-breaking snow fall

It happened first

A chilly source

Of a smile

Yesterday

The thought was

To sit awhile

Reading a book

So I did

I woke up

A chilly nose

The book strewn

Ah, my favorite

Autumn in October

Lifting my face to soak in the sunshine

And breathe the scent

Things around us change so quickly

And so often

Without opposition

And I wonder...

Why is it in our nature to resist change?

Clearly God intended for the things on His earth

To change

I hear the sound of a mighty breeze

It refreshes

Terrifies some

Is what terrifies us perhaps for our benefit?

I think of the cross and all its redemptive power

Question answered

Crowds of those who get to enjoy

The clouds, the rain, the stars, the sea...

I sat for a bit to eat an apple

In the sunny afternoon

There's no sweeter thing

Than falling, crunchy leaves

The sounds

And smells

And warmth

Of life

A life in the hands of jealousy

I heard the injury, but did nothing about it.

I miss, but I don't want at all.

So long, free will, I'll see you in a while.

I'd like to, but should I call?

Let's see if my fingers push the buttons.

There's no reason for the muddling.

Or wishing.

I'm just sick of being out of it.

Now, after a long pause,

I miss the keys on the piano.

I'm ever wishing for the chance

To right it all.

My persistent requests get the button of rejection.

That's expected, though.

Scrounging for excuses,

Just to hear again.

There is no reason for this,

So I think I'd like to stop.

But then I hear and sit and listen,

And I fall all over again.

It happened over the course of time.

The ever-so-twisted un-fun stories.

I've quite recently come to the conclusion that I really do not like weird, twisted plots... in movies or books or whatever else people like Tim Burton come up with. I've in the past professed to enjoy twisted things like that, but I only noticed tonight how truly strange they make me feel. Why would I put myself through such an uncomfy feeling just for some entertainment?

Sorry, world... but I didn't like Coraline. If you're going to throw any veggies, throw tomatoes. They're soft and taste the best.

Twenty-one.

So. I've been an adult for approximately three days. At this point, I'm fairly certain that said age does not apply to my state of mind. At all. My parents were getting married at the age of twenty-one. There aren't even twenty-one boys in my life right now. I'm terrified that the common factor is finally peeking around the corner: moi.

I cannot blame anyone but myself for my current situation in life, right? Consequently, I blame myself. No shocker there. But you know, it's really not heroic to stand back, evaluate your life, and come to the conclusion that you suck. However true, such thoughts aren't very beneficial to one's health in any way. Nonetheless, that's the state I've been in for a while. I keep wondering what the heck is wrong with me.

Then. The Love of my life reminds me that, well... I don't suck. I'm still not worthy, but every once in a while it's comforting to remember that there is no one else for me but Jesus Himself. I wish I could see past the big picture... I wish I were able to pick out the little bitty things that should daily make me fall more in love with Him. I wish.

I thought that the glorious age of twenty-one would instantly make me more mature. Sadly, I'm mentally, emotionally, and physically the same person I was three days ago. Selfish and searching and lost without Him.

An eerie word

I wrote this back in May. Tell me what you think.

~~~~~~~~~

Compromise. It’s an eerie word, that’s for sure, and has been visiting quite a bit. I wonder if perhaps I should peek into my heart to find some stashed in there somewhere. Hmm, one mess on the floor seems to be a tiny little word that packs a blow: entertainment. Books, movies, tv, music, you name it… each takes a pick at my innocence and decency every time I tell myself it’s ok. This flesh that I fight pushes me over the edge sometimes, but as of late, when such a thing occurs, I feel awful; literally exhausted, mentally and physically, and even sometimes physically sick. That’s a “knock-knock, the Lord’s here,” in case you were wondering. One more thing to add to the ever-growing list is my thoughts. I tell myself they’re ok too, and the fight ensues.

So where to go from here? Some might suggest the crazy house to learn a thing or two about being a real human being. Who really thinks about the decisions they’re making anyway? Hello, Mr. Problem. I do believe we’ve been looking for you. Everyone knows Mr. Problem, but his pseudonym is much more recognizable: Selfishness. I can just feel the world cringing at the sound of those letters together, and yet, the world is wrapped up inside of it like beans in a burrito… or more comfortably, like a chilly body in a warm blanket. No one in their right mind wants the blanket torn off… it feels so good. Yes, well, were I the only homo sapien in existence, it might actually make sense.

This is changing up real fast for me. Know why? Someone is jealous for me. Mmm, those words are sweet to my ears and ever so gentle on my heart.

Because of acne

I took a trip to the dermatologist last week. I have fairly serious acne and have frankly been living with it for far too long. I heard about a wonder drug called Acutane that has an insanely high percentage of clearing up acne FOREVER. I'll take some, thank you.

One problem: the government says I need to be on birth control. The medication is so strong that if you get pregnant while you're on it, your baby is guaranteed to have some kind of birth defect. Needless to say, I can see why it's necessary... for sexually active people.

My dermatologist is a physician's assistant, so once I told him that I would like to start Acutane, he had to bring in a legit doctor to back him up. This guy came in and warned me about all the same stuff. He specifically stressed the importance of birth control because, in his words, "Everyone has sex!"

No, everyone does not have sex. I wish I would have stood up for myself in that room, but who would honestly believe that a twenty-year-old girl is not sexually active? That's no excuse, though, and ever since then I've felt extremely guilty about it.

Now, if I needed birth control for a serious medical reason... I'd have nothing wrong with it. But I do not need it. I'm not even close to making babies... I'd kind of need a man around to do that anyway. Why are our standards so low these days? And why on earth can't people control themselves?! It makes me so sad to see the brokenness that ensues when relationships end badly. Sorry to say it, ladies, but most of the time it's because you gave yourself away hoping that it would bring you the fulfillment and "true love" you've been dreaming of.

I have friends who have been there and gone through things like this, and let me tell you, they're all struggling... most of them left alone and so broken. Is there any way that I can make you understand the passionate, unfailing, sweet, and tender love that the Lover of your soul has for you? He loves you more than just a father loves his daughter... He loves you like a groom loves his new bride. He longs for you... just as you long for a man to take away all the loneliness you feel.

THAT is why I don't have sex... because I love my Jesus enough. I can wait until He brings my husband along and until then be fully satisfied in Him and all that He is for me. 

I've recently found out, though, that if I can sign a document saying that I will remain abstinent while on the medication for religious or personal reasons, I don't have to take birth control. I'll fight that to the death... and maybe spread a little Light in the process.

All sorts of goodbyes

I've been walking around the Slippery Rock campus for the past few days, soaking it all in. God used this place to get me through so many things; to bring me to new things; and best of all, to reveal Himself to me in such a deep and passionate way. These tan walls have witnessed tears of joy and pain, and the outside air has swept over me to renew my spirit. This whole nostalgia business seems really cheesy to me, and yet I will forever be thankful for the opportunity to be here. I have met some beautiful people, and shared some wonderful memories. I've been able to dance my heart out for my King, and I finally know what it means to worship Him.

I have a few regrets, but I wouldn't trade this experience for the world. I can't question the Lord's call on my life, but I've recently been wondering why He is chosing to take me away now. My heart is torn, pulled by both the desire to be home and the desire to stay. I know without a doubt, though, that the plans I had are not what He has in store for me. I have no idea why yet, but that's the fun part. 

Picture it: the man you love, leading you through the woods with his hands over your eyes. "Where are we going?" "You'll see... just be patient." The thrill of not knowing where you are being taken is almost too much to bear, but you cling on to him and trust him because you know how much he loves you. The only thing that matters is that he is the one leading you, protecting you, holding you.

Psalm 37:4 - "Delight yourself in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart."

Much to say

My life is slowly changing

Taking new shape

Breathing new air

My eyes are just a little more focused

Opened to see

Loving the view

My heart is somewhat bigger

Swelling to fit

Praising to love

My feet have stopped and turned about

Searching the path

Waiting for words

My face is lifted in glorious peace

Arms stretched out

All to you

SO much has been changing in my life these past few months. The only thing I can blame is the incredible goodness of the Lord Almighty. He is my strength and my life, and I will stretch out my arms to Him forever and ever. My major is changing, my school is changing... my plans are not my own anymore, and that's perfectly fine with me. My Love knows exactly what's best, so I'm clinging onto Him as He soars oh so gracefully.

My Palm Sunday was a little different this year, and I'd like to share some tidbits. The story of the triumphial entry was read, as usual, and I prepared myself for the typical celebration of the salvation that was soon to come after Jesus spent some time on the donkey. However, Pastor Bob had some new ideas... some sad ideas... he talked about weeping.

Why, on such a glorious occasion, would my pastor want to focus on weeping? I had never paid any significant amount of attention to the statement in Luke 19:41 before: "As he approached Jerusalem and saw the city, he wept over it..." Through Bob's half-hour of teaching, I have become ever so aware of the desperation surrounding me. Everywhere I look, people are longing for something... and sadly, they are looking in every direction for fulfillment but the right one. Jesus wept for the city... for the people... for their hearts. Ultimately, He knew what would happen in the end; how many lost souls would reject His sacrifice. 

Weeping. Well, physical or not, I am crying. Every inch of my body longs for the time when the friends I so dearly love will find what they are seeking: rest and forgiveness from all the clutter in their hearts. Weeping is prayer; when I cry, I share my heart with my Daddy. For healing, for salvation, for comfort, for peace... they need Him. And I cry. "Oh, that my heart would break for what breaks Yours!"

Him

Something I wrote quite a while ago. Ah well, it's relevant.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I know without a doubt that if God put a man in front of my face and said “Love him,” I would love him fiercely for the rest of my life. I’d love him better than anyone else in the world ever could. The secret to successful love is in treasuring the person God gave you. I could love a man with all my being and never be enough. I could pour out my heart and give him the most self-sacrificing adoration any human being could ever possess. I just need to find him… I need to be able to look into his eyes and know I am his. Forever. I need to feel that confidence that my man will treasure me and romance me every day. I want the kind of lover that I can bare my soul to, cry with, laugh with, and be absolutely ridiculous with… every single day that I still have breath. That is the true desire of my heart, above anything else. I keep telling myself that I want a job and to be happy with my life no matter what; that unless I hear in an audible voice, “Marry this man!” I will not ever get married. I tell myself I’m ok with that. But I know it’s not true. I long, above everything else in this world, to love a man so deeply that it hurts. And to be loved so passionately in return that I can’t imagine a life without him in it. Who is it? Why can’t God just tell me who he is now and get it over with? I want this man. I need this man… to complete me, to love me, to be loved by me. I need to love. I need to be able to give my all to someone. I want the kind of love where, no matter the circumstances, we trust each other enough to know without the slightest doubt that we will come running back to each other at the end of the day, just as much or more in love than before. I want my heart to burst with happiness. I want to feel like I would die for someone… for him. I want to be someone’s life… his entire world. I want a love so passionate that I can feel it all over my body and soul. When I find him, I’ll know. Until then, I’m left praying for him to get here quickly. I love him already. I pray for him, I cry for him, I long for him. Lord, he needs to get here soon. 

Eyes Closed

This is perfect. No way I’m giving this up. Sing song, and a sweet melody.

 

He’s a genius. Who’s he? Well, there are many “he’s” that make it all worthwhile. That one up there. And that one who rights my outs before the night. And this one who plays the sweetest melodies. That’s what comes to mind.

 

When the song is over, or when I think it is, how will I know? Who’s going to tell me?

 

Motion on they keys… on so many levels.

 

 Too fast, they’re all too fast. What’s a girl to do? Eyes closed, thinking of the unthinkable. Let’s not go there again. Too much for today. For my life.

 

I need to start that. Always something to start. Never something to finish. It works. Argue all you want, but that’s how it goes. That’s the way it is.

 

No more music. The sweet melody is gone. And I’m left in another country, surrounded by crazy roofs and painted people selling themselves for a living. That’s a concept. I want to be sold to nothing else but that one up there.

 

Sometimes I wonder why I can’t be home. When I get home, I’m still longing for home. See? Never something to finish. What if it never ends? I know it won’t, but that’s too much. Not today, not ever.

 

I wish this could be followed, but usually the mush up inside my top part can’t explain things very well. Go figure.

 

When I rub my eyes, I see things. What if I do that forever? 

The Happy Stuff

It’s hard to write the happy stuff. Hard to find myself content. More, more, more. They scream. I whisper. Unspoken, with a troublesome creature behind the painting. It’s beautiful, not real though. They say. I wink. Exactly. 

It’s hard to write the happy stuff. Amidst such rough and tumble, that is. It’s all a circle, not a line with an end, like they think. They don’t think. I chuckle. I know all about that circle. Too bad they’re all wrapped up. Tied up. Shaken up. Whoa, shaken up. 

It’s hard to write the happy stuff. So much. Big pools of brokenness. Arms always, but no relief. Lips to cheeks or foreheads, but no rest, really. “Wa wa wa…” like the educator in that strip about a boy and his dog. Dogs. They understand better, sometimes. Big eyes, no kisses. Just presence. They condone. I cringe. Beings can do that too. Try. Just try. 

It’s hard to write the happy stuff. Fury. It comes and goes. Why, I oughta… they pierce. I do too. What a nightmare. Oh yes, I said it. The dark and a thought. No rest for me, no sir. Shrieking and shoes pounding. Sidewalks take the rage. Scared? Me too. 

It’s hard to write the happy stuff. It won’t get there. I won’t, they say. I wink. This fluffiness beside me is inspiration enough. It’ll get the job done. Perpetual solace. No name, though. Just happy thoughts. Happy face, sad face. Happy face, sad face. Happy face… 

Not so hard to write the happy stuff. Effort with a smile. You wanna see? My, my, my aren’t you a sight for sore eyes. I’m filled, that’s all. Circling for an end. For the kill? Nah, for the end. Oh wait, that’s a lie. They shrink. I know. Oh, I know. I’m smiling because of the sword and flame in the clouds. It’ll be there, I promise. More, more, more. No more. Rough and tumble. No more. The pools. No more. Fury? Fury. No. More. See now? They don’t. You know I do. 

Hard to write the happy stuff? Gosh. You tell me.

The Power of a Whisper

There is nothing like the goodness of God and the strength of His presence. 

~~~

His love is deep and filled with promises.

~~~

We all desire to be loved unconditionally. 

I have something exciting to tell you:

The Lord of all, 

the Creator of the universe,

 and the Author of our faith

has sacrificed everything He ever could

to wash you clean.

~~~

Those rough spots,

when you feel like life could never be worse,

are just part of the storm

that eventually calms...

and there is peace.

~~~

"... the Lord passed by, 

and a great and strong wind tore into the mountains

and broke the rocks in pieces before the Lord,

but the Lord was not in the wind;

and after the wind an earthquake,

but the Lord was not in the earthquake;

and after the earthquake a fire,

but the Lord was not in the fire;

and after the fire

a still small voice."

~~~

So if you feel like the wind is blowing you around

and the earth is shaking

and your skin is searing,

be encouraged.

The Lord will whisper.

The cinquain

Learned of a new form of poetry the other day. It's called a "cinquain." My creation follows.

Hug

Cozy, Desperate

Healing, Lasting, Loving

A place of security

Comfort

I'm not sure that I like cinquains. They're much too structured or something.

1 Noun

2 Adjectives

3 "-ing" words

4-word sentence

1 Synonym of noun

Free verse is best, says the mushiness under my thinking cap.

The Bad Stuff

Alcohol is terrible for you... physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. Don't do it.

Gone

Sitting here.

Drinking a delectable cup of caramel frozen coffee.

Wondering why God takes good things away from us.

...

I've finished my drink, and yet I have no answer.

...

My heart aches.

My drink is gone.

And still.

I have no answer.

Dedicated to all the strong and broken women

who have lost their little ones,

whatever the cause may be.

Some soul-searching

In trying to figure out my future these past few days, I've discovered more about myself than an entire lifetime has taught me.

I want a family. Knew that. I want to get out of debt. Knew that. I want to be at home. Knew that. I want to leave work at work. New one. I want to help people. New one. I only want to dance for the Lord, not as my career. New one. I want to work with youth. New one. I want to organize and help in areas that don't have much help and organization. New one. I want to give myself fully to the work of the Lord, whatever that may be. Knew that... but never accepted it.

All these new realizations have consequently made me think about the decisions I've made thus far. I highly recommend soul-searching for all of you. Take a few days and just talk... talk about what you want. What you don't want. What God wants. Pray. Seek Him, seek Him, seek Him!

It's beating

I’m writing without the slightest clue of what to say. Some call it free writing.

Random thoughts. Pointless envy. Motionless longing. Tired eyes. All of it is sinking deep into my soul, with no release. No release, no point. No point to all this madness. I’m done with him, thank God. I’m done. I long to love again, but I fear I never will. I’m ok if I never love a man. To never love a man… what a concept. My mind is programmed in the old-fashioned way. Grow up, fall in love, make babies, die happily. Note to self: don’t go changin’. My life line is people, but people are also my downfall. My downfall. Hmm. To fall down… never to get back up? Yes, the floor is where I stay. Smothered and battered and ripped to shreds by nothing but my own heart. It beats and moans and lashes out at me. My own heart. Who would have thought? I know it all, but it’s head knowledge; hardly heart knowledge. Like a distant memory; something I’ll always remember, but it gets fuzzy. He get’s fuzzy and stays that way for quite some time. These days, anyway. Pure genius, to get me running back to those great, big, beautiful arms. Silence, and later a hug. During the silence, my heart beats and moans and lashes out. It gives no rest, no goodness, no peace. I’ll die in limbo. Yes, I’ll die in limbo. To never love a man… what a concept. But I am in love with one… one who, quite honestly, I don’t know. When I think of him, my heart beats and moans and lashes out at me. Me, the only one at fault. I’m aware that sand is coarse and rough and irritating… but when it’s pushing through your toes and massaging your feet, you don’t mind so much. It gets everywhere, but that’s the point, I think. My lover made it that way. That’s why I love him: I’m romanced. Every. Single. Day. Motionless longing. Tired eyes. And a heart that beats and moans and lashes out at me. I’m smothered and battered and ripped to shreds by nothing but my own heart. Yes, I’ll die in limbo.