Scribbles

Tear the veil

Look into my eyes

And hold my heart

Full of veins and real life

Make my life as real as my heart

Beating, boasting

Yearning for something

Like air

I'm married. The man sitting across from me proposed last year in March and we tied the knot that September. It's been silly, difficult bliss ever since. 


I'm restless. The only thing I can think to do is dig and dig and dig until I find something that makes my heart pound and my eyes shine. Maybe it won't be that obvious. 


I'm changing. The Jesus I thought I knew is ever changing in my mind's eye. One exciting thing is that he's never finished with me. Never. I have hope and change for all of life.

A Fire

It feels like your anger and your love are the same,

At times.

This fire in front of me burns red,

And all I think of is your rage.

Your love can burn, too,

For the same reasons.

You stepped in for me,

And through the ungrateful slime that sits here

You see me

The perfect me.

And because you are furious

You love.

God.

I have no words,

But I try.

It will never,

Ever,

Be enough.

Thank you.

I am sitting,

Wanting you,

Knowing your grace,

And sitting...

Just sitting,

Because that's all I can think to do

To express my heart for you.

Air in motion

I hear the wind

Like my brother whistling

Even inside I'm cold

When I think of the way

The air can sweep right through you

I want to stand in it

To be enveloped

In something not me

But I am afraid of the cold

I never venture forth

To feel the power in the tempest

There is something so reassuring

About being loved so much

That such love could crush you

And that is what I see in the storm today

I could be crushed

Blown away

Ripped apart

By something as earthly as the wind

I think it is time

For me to go stand

In the raging, glorious whirlwind

Of love

And that, of course, is what He has for me

You know my innermost being, Lord

"Have you ever wanted to be someone else?

Have you ever wanted just to be someone?

Have you ever wanted to reach your dreams?

Have you ever wanted life to be more than it seems?

Have you ever wanted to reach up and touch the sky?

Have you ever wanted to pack it up and say goodbye?

Have you ever wanted someone to care?

Have you ever wanted someone to be there?"

YES. This is how my heart is feeling.

Thank you, Shawn McDonald, for rasping out the truth of my innermost.

This is what I'm thinking: Don't you ever just want to be something and do something that's more important than yourself? To literally be the hands and feet of God? Isn't that what life is all about? Or is life about living the way everyone else lives and surviving in the economy? I don't know what to say to those feelings. There isn't an answer! There has to be a bigger purpose for me besides what I've been doing. I want to throw myself at the feet of God and say, "Send me anywhere! Use me to do anything! Because my body and soul are yours anyway..."

I've been sulking and frustrated. I want "life to be more that it seems." But I've forgotten the most important lyrics to that song. They go something like this...

"I have tasted of a love so wide that it stops all my time. I have tasted of a love so deep that it blows my mind. What you're looking for is my sweet, sweet Jesus."

It's Jesus. The answer. A simple one.

How do I take hold of Jesus?

That birth is still a mystery

I still don't understand

How all of your goodness

All of your holiness

All of your power

All of your tenderness

All of your righteousness

All of your mercy

All of your strength

All of your wisdom

And your sweet, sweet love

Was condensed into human form

And not only that

You were a baby

You were the size of a pea

At one point

How?

Your glory was subdued

And the brightness of your form

Could only be seen through your eyes

You made yourself nothing

And now here I am

Before you

Laying upon my bed

My mind pondering

My heart swelling without understanding

The only thing in which we find freedom cannot be held

I feel trapped

Trapped by this world

Trapped by government

And choices

Trapped by rights

Trapped by people

By friends

By family

By children

By adults

By everyone

Trapped by expenses

Trapped by peers

Trapped by employment

Trapped by fears

Trapped by lies

Trapped by truth

Trapped by love

Yes, by love

I feel trapped by my clothes

And my hair

And my shoes

Trapped by ideas

And thoughts

And booze

Trapped by hunger

Trapped by pain

Trapped by weather

Again

We're trapped

But we try to be free

We're trapped

That's the way it will be

Until

Until you find that grace

Yes, there is a grace

That wipes the big glob of dirt off your face

And then there's a hand that's covered in slime

His hand is dirty now, not mine

"You really are free"

He says to me

So why can't I take Him seriously?

I have a hopeless feeling, I guess

I won't be free

Truly free

Until in heaven I rest

His Spirit is within me

And even that

Even that thought

Sometimes makes me feel it

What do I feel?

A Psalm

Holy Lord, I yearn for you today.

Be my Rock and my Wisdom.

Help me to serve You, and serve You well.

You know my heart;

Help me to find and know Yours.

Thank You for Your jealousy.

Thank you for Your continued blessings,

Despite our wickedness.

We are treacherous beings,

Not worthy of trust or an eternal glory.

But oh, the love of Christ!

Thank You, dear Savior, for making me pure.

You alone are the fullness of grace.

My heart cries out for You!